The secret to the "difficult conversation."

The Conversation Before the Conversation

One of the most valuable pieces of advice I can offer teachers is this:

If you have a difficult, disrespectful, or defiant student, make it a priority to have lots of conversations with them when they're not in trouble.

Talk to them in the hallway. Ask about their weekend. Notice when they do something well. Learn about their interests.

Those conversations build rapport.

And rapport doesn't guarantee there won't be future conflicts—but it makes those conflicts far less likely. When students know you care about them outside of moments of correction, they're much more likely to receive your guidance when it matters most.

The same principle applies to leadership.

Every leader has staff members who can be challenging. Maybe they seem resistant to change. Maybe they're negative. Maybe they simply get under your skin.

Your greatest opportunity to influence them probably won't come during a difficult conversation.

It will come on an ordinary Tuesday morning.

It's the casual conversation in the hallway. The check-in after a faculty meeting. The sincere question about their family or a hobby they enjoy. Those moments build trust long before you need to address a concern.

Too often, leaders only engage certain employees when there's a problem to solve or behavior to correct. Unfortunately, that means every interaction begins to feel like bad news.

Great leaders don't wait for conflict to build relationships.

They build relationships so conflict becomes easier to navigate.

Teachers shape the culture of their classrooms. Leaders shape the culture of their organizations.

Both do it best when they are intentional and proactive—not simply reacting when something goes wrong.

The best difficult conversation is often the one made easier by a hundred ordinary conversations that came before it.

Cheers!

Danny